In 18 Years.

My first day of teaching ever I had to go home and change my pants before the day started because on my way into school I spilled an entire vase of flowers, that my at-the-time-fiance Chris had brought to my apartment early in the morning,  all down my legs and the flower food in the water left a white powdery trail all down the front of me.  I only lived about a mile from school so it was fine and I was way early (maybe for the first and last time) so I didn't even panic.  And I wasn't even nervous in general really because I was just so ready to teach--so excited, inspired, motivated, full of world changing antics, and creative lesson ideas, and relationship building skills, and everything you'd hope a new, and old too, teacher would have.  That was 18 year ago....almost to the day.

And now, all these years later, I will still contend that standing in front of a bunch of 8th graders teaching history, crouching down with them to look at maps, scheming with them during the Civil War simulation that we always did every spring,  "shouting" at them during my assembly line simulation to work faster, letting them climb over deep crevices, a la, desks as they summited Mt. Everest, making everything a game to make it faster and more fun, hanging out with them in the hall during passing time--and probably a little bit of "ummm--what did I just hear you say?", riding roller coasters with them--front car of course--at our end of the year trip, and watching them walk across the stage all teary-eyed at 8th grade graduation, was hands down one of the most rewarding parts of my life....next to my marriage and kids......ever.....and for always.  And on top of all of that I had amazing teaching partners and an incredible boss who made going to work feel like going to hang out with my friends.

I taught for nine years, moved into an instructional coach position for four years, and the last five years I spent as a Dean--which is a fancy way to say assistant principal.  18 years in education.

18 years of:

Watching classrooms get set up in eager anticipation.
Kids coming to school to meet their teachers--some excited, some with a little chip on their shoulder.
Back to School professional development and parties.
Attendance procedures for the first day of school.
Recess and curb duty schedules.
Bulletin board decorating.
Class party planning.
Wondering why in the world I assigned that essay--because now I have to grade it.
Parent teacher conferences.
Behavior plans that worked.
Behavior plans that didn't work.
Students telling me deep, deep secrets about what scared them, what made them happy, why they liked me, and why they hated me.
Unit planning.
Summer conferences.
Presentations at staff trainings.
Talent Shows.
Class trips.
Student teachers.
Teacher evaluations.
Fire drills, lock-down drills, tornado drills.
Staff Christmas parties.
Broken copy machines.
Directing traffic in the pouring rain.
New curriculum.
Interviewing new staff.
Daddy-daughter dances.
IEP's.
Girl (and absolutely boy) drama.
Sledding at recess.
Student council.
Fundraisers.
Graudate classes.
First & last days of school.
Students who I still consider friends.
Students who have babysat for my own kids.
Lifelong friendships.  Life. Long. 

So many memories stuffed and pushed into each and every part of who I am as an adult.  Teaching and being in schools without any doubt has defined almost every part of who I am today.  From friendships, to opportunities, to how I view the world, my faith, what's important in education, what's not, what's wrong with America, and what's amazing about it.

For the first time in 18 years I won't be returning to school today.  I spent a lot of time making this decision; almost two years.  It started slow.  And sometimes I wouldn't think about that as a possibility for weeks, and sometimes it's all I'd think about for weeks at a time.  And finally last year at the beginning of April I knew it was really what I wanted; what I was ready to do.

That doesn't mean I didn't cry, hard, when I told my boss; someone that I've had the privilege to work with for 18 years and who has never done anything less than his best for me, the school I worked at, and the parents and kids he served there.  And it doesn't mean I didn't cry, hard again, when I told the teachers that worked for me; some of the most dedicated professionals there are who pour out their hearts every day for their kids in spite of the odds.  And it doesn't mean that I didn't cry, some more, last week when I was out for dinner with some co-workers while we talked about how great our school was, and how lucky we all were to have been able to work there together for a time.

18 years is a long time.  A good long time.

For all the teachers I know....and the ones I don't know....first days are so exciting and so full of promise.  18 years of them don't lie.  My thoughts and well wishes (for snow days and no indoor recess, of course) are with you and I feel incredibly lucky that I got to share the ranks of one of the noblest professions with so many people for so long.

Make 2018-2019 a great one!

Scarcity. But....three things.

An insufficient supply of something.

I can't stand that word.  It gives me anxiety.  And I need more anxiety like.....

(can't even think of a good comparison here, because that's how much I don't need more.) 

I was driving Crosby home from swimming lessons today and we always take the back route on the way home from swimming lessons so we can see the horses and I caught a glimpse of him in the rearview mirror.  He was quiet, because he's always quiet after swimming, eating a sucker, and the wind was blowing his hair because his window was down; better to see the horses like that, and I just had this overwhelming swell of panic about him.....and Georgia too......

Was I soaking them up enough?

Every little subtle thing about them?

The way he always smells a little like Chinese food (and I know that sounds bizarre--but I love it so much).
The way he pats my back with his little hand when I hold him.
How he says, "Thank you......so much.'
How Georgia asks me if she can sit on the kitchen counter and talk to me.
How she lets Crosby climb in her side of the car every.time.we.go.anywhere because she knows it makes him happy.
How she is the only person he won't fight about having to hold their hand in a parking lot.
How she is a fiercely loyal girl.
How Crosby says, "Daddy, you're craaaaazy."
How he calls ketchup,  kep-itch.
How the two of them beg me to play "It's Raining Tacos" on full blast in the car.
How they can get so wildly insane together and just when I want to lose it, I watch them a second and feel so thankful for them, and how much they love each other, drive each other crazy, the bonds they share, and that they're mine.

And that list is so short.  So insufficient.  So needing more added to it, because there is so much more.  But sometimes in the moment it's hard to recall all the amazing things about your kids and it makes me panic sometimes that I'm missing something, a detail has escaped me that I really wanted to tuck into my heart but now it's gone.  And the sadness of that........

So I was thinking the other day about this feeling of scarcity and am I doing enough, being enough, remembering enough as these babies get older and older and I landed on this very simple routine we started in our family about three ago but haven't made it as much of a priority as we're going to.....our three things book.  The perfect space to remember and archive forever those small moments that make us who we are. A book that we can look back at and remember.....oh yeah....that was so funny....incredible.....amazing.....significant....

About a three years ago we bought a blank journal and intended to make a list at dinner every night of three things that we were each thankful for from that day. It would be dated so we could skim back through the lists when we wanted to and remember.....all of it.....all that we needed to and wanted to.

Some past entries.
Thankful for:

• 7.28.14     Georgia read a book all on her own.
• 8.1.14       We're running the Color Run tomorrow with good friends.
• 8.5.14       In the summer....kids can eat rice with dinner.....OUTSIDE! 
• 11.10.14   AND YOU GUYS---WE DID THIS ONE HOURS BEFORE WE FOUND   OUT CROSBY WAS BORN.....Great first parent/teacher conference for G.
• 9.7.15       Georgia & Daddy camped in the basement.
• 12.31.15   Bubbles, the fish, is alive..........still. 
• 9.23.16     Georgia got a FISH award at school!!!!
• 5.19.16     Crosby had a great eye appointment and won't need glasses!
• 6.11.17     Chris was home all week and didn't have to travel at all!

And reading through the lists is fun, a glimpse into life then, and things we probably forgot about.  And there's an element of relief in reading it because it chronicles all those things I get worried about forgetting. 

So I am pledging to make our 'three things book' way more of a habit for our family.  Even on really hard and horrible and mean days there are always three things you can find to be thankful for.  And besides it being something to bring me peace of mind, I think it's an impactful habit to model for our children; an attitude of ongoing gratitude.  

It's easy as moms to get caught up in that scarcity whirlwind when it comes to our kids, and it's not as easy to do something intentional, that is realistic, to combat it.........but this little practice is one way that I've found I can work against that machine. It's not that original or even creative, but when it's done regularly, it can be revolutionary. 

So whether it's in the car, at breakfast, before bed, after school....whenever.....I challenge you to create a three things book with your family too!  It makes for a really good read. 

The Deck

A request for some deck details was a good motivator to bring me back here.  We spend a lot of time on our deck in the summer and fall because here in Michigan you blink and it's time to get back inside and shut the doors for months on end and turn on the heat.  We've kind of made the deck a second living room and over the last few years have collected some really basic pieces that we use over and over again to make it one of our favorite places to be.  We don't have a huge deck at all so we can't put as much on the deck as I'd like to and there are some days Chris would argue I need to stop already.

Our deck is also basically on the face of the sun, that darn western exposure, so I'm pretty thankful that succulents and cacti and palm trees are having a good long moment, and are pretty cheap, because that's about the only thing I can guarantee won't look dead every day between the hours of noon and seven p.m. I get a lot of those kinds of plants at Lowes and even my local grocery store (and Grand Rapids friends--check out the D & W at Knapp's corner for great inexpensive plants--while their groceries and produce are a joke in every context--they sell some amazing cheap plants).

I think it's worth it to go out and buy a really huge pot--really huge--to anchor small cheaper pots around.  However, the really big one I have is from a local nursery (Horrock's if you live in Grand Rapids) and was less than $50.  And you really only need three to five pieces in a little group to make an impact.

And the item that I'd say really transforms an outdoor space is something that creates a running water sound.  My mom has had this little copper lotus leaf bubbler (featured below) for a long time and there aren't really any other ones on the market, which is so weird to me, but you can find this one on Amazon and it's so easy to just place in a pot and when you hear that little trickling water sound, it just instantly makes your deck seem like a get away.

A few of my other favorites are in the collage below--the rug we have from Target, some pots from Target that we've had for years and they still are doing well despite baking in 100 degree heat every day, the love-seat from World Market that's a few years old but they still sell them, the little house lights from Target that are under $10, and some more favorite planters and plants.

That little cactus in the turquoise planter is called a road-kill cactus and I got it at Lowes.  No prickles either!

So--that's about it!  We also have two pretty huge cantilevered umbrellas on the deck that we bought on clearance one year at the end of the summer but that's not too exciting--but so necessary being that whole face of the sun thing.

Hope you're cooling off somewhere good today!

The Deck by cmterryn featuring outdoor patio furniture

Outdoor decor
westelm.com

Outdoor decor
westelm.com

Outdoor decor
westelm.com

Cost Plus World Market outdoor patio furniture
worldmarket.com

Room essential
target.com

Threshold outdoor decor
target.com

Fountain home decor
amazon.com

outdoor rug gray : Target
target.com

Square Concrete Planter
target.com

Wills. (The kind that scream at you.)

It's fairly obvious when you look at this picture of Crosby that there's sure to be a strong-will in that little body (and let's be honest--an incredible sense of humor).  One that has strong opinions on fire men, winter boots, clothing, protective eye-wear, and just about everything in between--opinions that so often clash with mine, common sense, public decency, necessary social norms, and just general, "I'm not going to unleash a crazy person into the world," parenting.  

And man---sometimes it leaves me feeling like the worst mom in the world.  I don't keep my cool nearly as much as I'd like to and do the things I swore on a Holy Bible I'd never do as a parent.  And it makes me want to curl into a fetal position and wish I could erase the last fifteen minutes and do it again the right way, the super nanny way, the love & logic way, the transformative parent way----really just any way except the "Are you sure you're stable enough to be a productive parent?" way.  And I'm one of those moms that let's herself feel some mom guilt; makes us better if we don't let it consume us in my opinion--but that doesn't make it easy.  

So today--I'm really just here to say......solidarity moms.  We're all in this together.  This afternoon wasn't necessarily a mom resume builder as we're currently butting heads over how many books to read before nap and bed-time, where to read these books, how to read them, what voice to read them in, how fast to turn the pages--or how slow, if we read them once or twice, if Crosby reads them or if I do, if they get to go into bed with us or not, what color I incorrectly say a balloon on a page is (it's ALWAYS ORANGE.....ALWAYS....and why I haven't learned that by now is beyond me), and whether or not Crosby sits next to me in the chair or on my lap--this one is a moving target.  For the love---it's all a moving target.  And the whole ship really just goes down when I get tired of the game and give a few warnings and then....you're just going in your bed.  Oh.my.word.  

Yeah, that.  And then there's the part where I decide to act almost the same as my two year old.  

So like I said.  Revel with me in the days where you really just can't wait for the re-do to start tomorrow morning and know you're not alone.  Not alone at all.    

These kids man.  These incredibly amazing, beautiful, hilarious, wouldn't trade them for the world, I'm going to start climbing the wall.....kids.  

I love you Crosby.  Cute pictures to follow because it erases the last 1/2 hour.  And so does remembering the way you say thank-you to Jesus for fire trucks and tall ladders when you pray, how you roll your 'r's' when you say things like SOCCERRRRRRR ball, how you can make the perfect fire-truck siren noise, how you say 'awesome' and 'gross' as a two year old, how you make your Little People talk to each other, how you think it's so funny to steal peoples seats at the table, and how you give the tightest and best little two year old hugs around........

There is no little boy I'd rather have a battle of the wills with than this one.  Not a single one.  Sometimes I just wish it involved less shrieking at me and irrational chucking of stuff over the side of a crib.  

A girl can dream.  

Ban Busy.

Remember a few years ago when Sheryl Sandberg launched her "Ban Bossy" campaign.  The one where we should stop calling little girls bossy but instead say they had "leadership potential," "CEO skills,"and were "risk takers." (Side Bar….here's an interesting perspective on that.)

How about we add 'busy' to that list?  Being SO busy, so overwhelmed with life, crazy, insane, can't keep my head above water, don't have time to call you back because I'm running from here to there, can't commit to anything because something bigger and better might come along, and "oh, my word you wouldn't believe how much I have to do," has become the newest syndrome in America. And maybe it's not so much that being busy is the newest syndrome (because I know we were busy growing up--and my mom and her friends didn't even have Amazon Prime!) but talking about it incessantly. 

It seems to me that people like to throw around the "I'm so busy" line lately like this passive aggressive weapon that proves how important they are.  A way to say that their pursuits, appointments, schedule, jobs, commitments are more important compared to yours because they take up more time, are more demanding, and are more urgent.  Because heaven knows---no meetings, events, paper work, initiatives, after-school sports practices, cookie sales, budgets, schedules, or outlook appointments could EVER be completed without their input.

Just ask them if you haven't seen them in a few days or weeks…."how've you been?"  "Oh my word--sooooo busy.  It's crazy.  I can't even believe how busy I am. YOU wouldn't believe it."    

And I find all of that so, so, so frustrating.  And I bet it's safe to say that the majority of people we lament to about how busy we are would find it as frustrating.  It's not that being busy is annoying--it's the constant talking about it.  Because the truth is…..a lot of us are really busy.  With things we've chosen to do.

A more demanding job.
More responsibility at work.
More community involvement.
A full calendar for our kids.
Amazing opportunities to advance our careers.
Volunteering.
More helping out friends.
Book Clubs.
Committees.......for literally everything.

Good things.  Fun things. Important things. Marginally necessary things.

But bottom line--things of our own choosing.

And we choose them because….generally….they're fun, and challenging, and fulfilling, and stimulating…..at least they were when we first started them.

But sometimes those things become less fun, less fulfilling, less life-giving, and less defining.....but we think they're now mandatory.

They become the things that erode our relationships because we're always trying to make them more efficient (hint--relationships--if they're good ones--can't be efficient) due to the calendar space we've abused, turn us into users-of-people, make us late to the next thing, and suck our joy out of the moment because we've got eight more "moment's" left in the day that we're supposed to find amazing.

So what I'm saying here to myself…..to you if you need to hear it……is to be busy if you want to be.  Suck every drop of life you've been given bone dry.  But please stop talking about it and lamenting about it and blaming your neglect of other things on it.

When people ask how you've been say "Great!, I have a fantastic job that keeps me on my toes, my kids are loving soccer and gymnastics, I'm repainting my bathroom and it's been a learning experience."  Or just say, "great," or "I'm a little tired--but it'll be fine," or "It's a tough season but nothing I can't handle--how are you?," or "I'm really sorry for not getting back to you--I don't have a good excuse." But not----I'M SO BUSY followed by a dramatic pause and sigh and the world-is-ending-but-I-don't-have-a-choice-because-I'm-so-crucial-to-the-sun rising look.

Because we always have a choice.  We absolutely do.  If you want to be busy--be busy, busy, busy....but embrace it as your choice, not as a cross you have to bear. And let's stop telling each other how busy we really are.

We can do it.  I can do it.