When it's not roses and sunshine.

Since starting this blog over a year ago I've received a number of e-mails from people walking, trudging, and crawling through the infertility mire.  They're always a little different, but the ones that have stuck with me the most are the ones from people who tell me that because of what I write here they feel more ready to explore adoption or in fact are starting the adoption process.  And that gives me chills of excitement, I'll tell you right now.

I don't pretend to believe that my words are what turn on the adoption light for them--I'm sure they're almost there on their own--but I do know after having gone through it that words can provide some kind of confirmation, assurance, a measuring stick, or a feeling of camaraderie that in the end grows a bit of courage to step out there and make a call to an agency, sit through education classes, put together a scrapbook, take out a loan, select a country, meet birth parents, or say, "yes....we'll be there" when they get the call that there is a baby waiting for them at a hospital right now.  

I talk a lot about open adoption in this space.  Our experience with it has been amazing, healthy, necessary, affirming, and the right thing right now.  

Why 'right now'?  

I don't write that because anything is changing about the relationship we have with Georgia's birth mom and family.  I write that because sometimes I worry that my rainbows and unicorns train of thought that I spill out on this blog about open adoption can feel overwhelming to some--who are just staring the process, in the midst of it, or even on the other side of it--people who may be having a different adoption experience with a different set of birth parents and open adoption might not seem like the wisest choice.  

It might not be.  It's your job as parents to decide that.  It's one of your first major decisions in the parenting sphere when you choose to become an adoptive parent.  What will open look like for you? I can tell you that open for me looks a lot different today than it did on the first night that we met our birth parents.  We discussed pictures, a visit once or twice a year, and maybe an e-mail here and there--if you've been reading here long you know that we're way beyond that at this point--way beyond.  

While I believe that if it can be done, it should be done, open adoption may not be the VERY best for the parties involved.......and you definitely want the very best.  Foremost for your child.

But here's the thing--there are some birth parents who don't want to have an open adoption, and as hard as that may be, especially when your child starts asking questions about them and you kind of just look at them with a blank stare--you have to respect that birth parents wishes.  And then there are some birth parents that might not be in a healthy place in terms of being part of your family.  That is hard for me to type.

It's hard for me to type because it feels harsh.  It's not meant to be harsh...just.....true.  Birth-parents choose to make adoption plans for their child for a number of reasons; they're young, they're not ready, they know they can't provide for a child,  they don't have the financial means to care for a child responsibly, they can't provide a stable two parent home for their child and they really want that, or their life is unstable and they know it's not a good environment for a child.  And if the latter is the reason for the adoption I believe it's okay for you to evaluate carefully how open your adoption really should be......if at all......permanently or for periods of time here and there.

After all--your child's birth parents chose you.  Chose you to parent.  Parenting means hard, difficult, uncomfortable, decision making in the face of doing what is absolutely best for a child.  And I believe that we are given a very reliable inner gut instinct as parents--one that gives us the right words to say, decisions to make, thoughts to think, and action to take.  We have to listen to it--even when we really, really don't want to or it feels mean.

So if you're in that place--that hard one--where you know what you want but it doesn't match up with what you have and what you have doesn't seem like the healthiest thing for your family--rest assured--it's okay to make those hard decisions.  Just be sure......as you need to be with all parenting decisions......that the decision is really about what's best for your child--and not what's easiest for you.  Easiest for us doesn't usually equal what's best for our child.

If that was the case I would have stopped fighting the battle over watching shows all day a long time ago.

Open adoption is amazing....when it is.  Open adoption is amazing......even when it's a little hard.  You're the parent--you know.  

*While I am not one for disclaimers ,it needs to be stated that this post has little to do with my own adoption experience. I just know that if I was walking a different adoptive road, one that wasn't so 'prettily wrapped' it would give me some assurance to know that it was okay if my adoption didn't look like my best friends or some blogger that has nothing but amazing things to say about open adoption.  So this is for you.  If you need it.